Building Better Boundaries: An Essential Tool for Purpose-Driven Leaders
The art of boundaries: What we can learn from Goldilocks to create sustainable boundaries.
Press play above and I read the article to you.
I remember this like it was yesterday—my mom reading the classic tale of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. My siblings and I shared a Little Golden Book version - so much nostalgia seeing that book spine.
In case you are not familiar with this childhood story, a curious young girl discovers the home of the three bears while they are away. She enters their home and tries their porridge, chairs, and beds, finding one is “just right” for her, while the others are either too hot, cold, big, or small.
I recall being enamored with the idea of a young girl wandering around by herself, curious about whether it was right or wrong to enter someone’s home without an invitation, and ultimately delighted with the moral of the story that there are things that are “just right” for each of us.
This fairytale contains a metaphor for boundaries: there is a “just right” fit for each of us at different phases of life.
A just right fit.
Prentis Hemphil teaches us, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
Meaning, space for ourselves, a differentiation between you and me is imperative for a boundary to be just right.
In a previous post, This is the Assignment, I shared the Show Up Hard Framework as a starting point for the work—choosing how we show up. As we aim to show up for others as a Compassionate Witness or accompanyier of another, understanding our capacity for being empathetic is a core part of shaping what our role looks like for the current person or situation.
Creating containers as a practice.
Boundaries are often referred to as static or rendered after the fact. Because of the association with rigidity and because we often wait too long to create them, I have reframed the exercise as creating containers. Building on a metaphor from food containers—where we are familiar with and adeptly use a variety of food containers based on the purpose or setting.
The practice of creating containers emphasizes the practice of consciously creating boundaries that can flexibly expand or contract based on the situation. This approach allows you to support others while also nurturing your own resilience.
The Creating Containers worksheet from Show Up Hard offers various aspects to consider, such as the time we are available, the mediums in which we are available, the topics we are available for, and what resources we are bringing to or offering to the situation. Shifting one aspect of the container may make other possibilities available in another aspect. Consider downloading worksheets, printing them, and using them as a practice space.
Common challenges for leaders.
One of the big challenges I see for empathetic leaders is when we hang on to old containers that previously worked well for us without reconsidering our current capacity and role. Two examples of when this commonly happens:
We are promoted to a new role or move to a new team. In this situation, we carry on with the boundaries or containers of our previous role. Often there are tensions that arise with co-workers we were once peers with and we now manage or we fail to properly transition client-facing roles when we were doing frontline work, yet no longer have the capacity (and in some cases, access to the resources) to do this level of work.
We create a generous container for a relationship at one point in life yet when this person needs our support again, we no longer have the same ability to give, but are also not yet sure how to communicate this or shift the container and still be generous in the relationship. Perhaps our own mental or physical health needs more priority at this time. Or our access to certain resources has changed.
Creating generous and sustainable containers is not easy work. Boundary work is lifetime work; it does not end. Our caring does not end, and our capacity and roles always evolve.
Just like Goldilocks, we may need to try on different containers to find the one that is just right for this place and time. We’ve all had a mishap with a food container, too. I’ll never forget when my beautiful green smoothie spilled inside my backpack and all over my computer as I rode BART to my work conference. Yes, a leaky container taught me about having the just right lid. It took some time and effort to correct my incorrect container mistake, and it was a lesson learned I have not repeated since.
To be sure, consistency and clear communication are also important components of trust building, so we want to balance our practice efforts and shifting of boundaries while also being someone who can be counted on.
Getting a thought partner or support with crafting and implementing containers is a strategic idea, particularly for sticky situations and as you encounter or aspire to new roles. The risks of missing the mark may increase. Or you need to move from an enmeshed or martyr container to a more realistic one. This is not always easy work. Human resources, a therapist, a coach, a best friend, a mentor, and a co-worker are all potential sources of support for contemplating and practicing our container work.
The Art of Boundaries: A Masterclass for Social Impact Leaders
Register for next week’s The Art of Boundaries: A Masterclass for Social Impact Leaders if you are interested in skill development for building better boundaries. Registration is limited to 25 people, this is a 90-minute online, interactive workshop and a replay will be sent to registrants. Substack subscribers receive 30% off the masterclass registration through Wednesday August 14th at 5 PM PT.
Here’s to finding the just right containers for the most important work you are doing at this time.
Take good care,
Shannon Weber
Author | Coach | Consultant
I support care and justice-oriented leaders who are overwhelmed to untangle the chaos and reclaim empathy and resilience while making an impact.
Thanks for reading. Keep up the momentum.
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